15 Of Phyllis Diller’s Greatest One-Liners

15 Of Phyllis Diller’s Greatest One-Liners

Phyllis Diller was born in 1917 in Lima, Ohio and died in Los Angeles in 2012 at the age of 95.

She was best known as a stand-up comedienne, but she was also an actress, and voice artist. Her stage persona was eccentric with her image of wild hair and outlandish clothes.

Phyllis Diller excelled at stand-up comedy, as you can see from the one-liners our LifeDaily team has chosen.

Diller actually started in the entertainment business relatively late in life, after having spent the first dozen years after her first marriage being a housewife, mother, and advertising copywriter. She began her show business career working at KROW radio in Oakland, California in 1952.

Although she eventually worked as a comedienne, Diller had studied the piano for many years. She decided against a career in music because she didn’t think she was good enough.

Apart from comedy, she also did quite a lot of voice acting, featuring in such movies as A Bug’s Life, The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, and Robot Chicken.

However, it’s Phyllis Diller’s stand-up comedy that most people remember. These one-liners will remind you:

  1. Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
  2. Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
  3. We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
  4. You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
  5. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
  6. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
  7. I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
  8. Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
  9. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
  10. You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
  11. I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
  12. You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
  13. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
  14. Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
  15. Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

The essence of Phyllis Diller is in these one-liners.

She was married twice and had six children; this may have provided the basis for some of her material.

Did you ever see or hear Phyllis Diller in action? How do you rate her against other comediens?

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