Every office has its own set of unwritten rules.
They vary slightly based on where you work and what you do, but ordinarily they exist and you have to stumble upon them for yourself. Often, we don’t discover these rules until we find an intern breaking them on his first day of the job.
As a servant to the people, I have taken the painstaking efforts of writing down the official unwritten rules of office etiquette. If you find yourself breaking these rules, take note, friends.
- People who enter the elevator before letting others exit: They trample people who try this on New York subways. Take note.
- Corresponding with 10 emails when a brief face-to-face would take less than a minutes: Just because we can with technology doesn’t mean we should.
- Office gossip: The water cooler is good for more than just refreshment. Catch up on who hooked up with whom after last year’s Christmas party. Remember kiddies, just because you’re wearing a pantsuit doesn’t make it any less juvenile than high school.
- Passive aggressive emails: Say what you mean and mean what you say, darling.
- Smelly lunches stinking up the break room: What ever happened to the good old wonder bread sandwiches?
- And speaking of which, can we talk about that burnt popcorn: you want a healthy and delicious snack as do I, but please learn how to make popcorn properly. And don’t leave the microwave unattended.
- People who hold the elevator door open to finish a conversation: we are all your hostages now. Let us go free and see our cubicles, please.
- Co-workers with anger issues: Maybe these foul-mouthed fiends just need a hug…but maybe you should let someone else test that theory.
- Personal conversations in the office: Whether it’s between co-workers or you’re just chit-chatting on the phone, nobody wants to hear about your furry cats hi-jinx.
- Co-workers who clip their fingernails at their desk: can we talk about how terrible the sound of finger nails be clipped is regardless of when and where? When you do it at the office though, you are subjecting us to things we cannot unhear.
- Dishes in the break room sink: You can be a slob-kabob all you want in your own kitchen, but the second you bring it to the office, we’re gonna have a problem here.
- When the air conditioning is kept too low: Don’t be stingy with the AC. Nobody here wants to actually wear office attire. At least give us the decency of doing it while we’re cool.
- Loud talkers: we hear you, as does the rest of the office. It’s awkward when your conversation has background commentary from your co-workers. Don’t be those guys.
- When somebody steals your food from the break room refrigerator: You’re at work…where they pay you. Surely, you can afford to buy your own food from the cafeteria.
- Finding an empty coffee pot: It takes a cold-hearted happiness killer to deprive their fellow co-workers of freshly brewed caffeinated heaven.
- Gum smacking: There’s just something about gum smacking that resembles the long-lost cousin of water boarding.
- Playing your headphones a little too loud: Offices tend to be pretty quiet spaces, so even though you are wearing headphones, doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t hear your secret passion for Justin Bieber.
- Being a terrible parker: If you park so close to my car that I have to crawl in through the passenger’s side door, chances are I’ll be writing down your license plate number for future voodoo curse reference.
- Leaving the bathroom a mess: There’s only so many people that work in this small office. If you leave it a mess, it won’t be hard to narrow it down. Leave the bathroom as you found it.
- The dread reply all: This is the mother of all office grievances. There’s nothing worse than being unwittingly caught in an unending email thread fueled by ticked-off coworkers and hate fire. YOU. CAN’T. ESCAPE.
[Featured Image Credit: Business on Market]