The one-liner jokes ascribed to Confucious have absolutely no connection the Chinese teacher and philosopher who lived from 551- 479 BC.
Somehow these one-liners have evolved, turning this wise philosopher into a figure of fun. They are an example of standard-format culture-bound folk-humor. In that sense, they are similar to the ‘Knock-Knock’ jokes which are the most common examples of juvenile English-language word-play humor.
What distinguishes them from other one-liner jokes is that they always begin with the phrase “Confucious Say, …”. This non-grammatical format could have been an indication of racial bias against the Chinese.
They tend to range from mildly to extremely vulgar, and usually include a punning or double-meaning of words. Due to the the characteristic of the language, most Confucious jokes are English-language-specific, and often U.S. culture-specific.
Browse through this selection of Confucious one-liners, and you’ll see what we mean.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.
- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
- Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
- It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
- Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
- Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
- Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.
- Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
- Man that go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly fingers.
- Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
- Virginity like bubble, one pr*ck all gone.
- He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
- Elevator smell different to midget.
- A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
- War does not determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.
- Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
- He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.
- Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Confucious must be turning in his grave at the way his name has been used for these one-liners.
One thing is for sure; the jokes could not be described as subtle, But, did they make you laugh – or screw up your face in disgust?
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