20 ‘Confucious Say’ One-Liners To Make You Cringe

The one-liner jokes ascribed to Confucious have absolutely no connection the Chinese teacher and philosopher who lived from 551- 479 BC.

Somehow these one-liners have evolved, turning this wise philosopher into a figure of fun. They are an example of standard-format culture-bound folk-humor. In that sense, they are similar to the ‘Knock-Knock’ jokes which are the most common examples of juvenile English-language word-play humor.

What distinguishes them from other one-liner jokes is that they always begin with the phrase “Confucious Say, …”. This non-grammatical format could have been an indication of racial bias against the Chinese.

They tend to range from mildly to extremely vulgar, and usually include a punning or double-meaning of words. Due to the the characteristic of the language, most Confucious jokes are English-language-specific, and often U.S. culture-specific.

Browse through this selection of Confucious one-liners, and you’ll see what we mean.

Confucious say:

1. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
2. War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.
3. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
4. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
5. It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
6. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
7. Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
8. Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.
9. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
10. Man that go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly fingers.
11. Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
12. Virginity like bubble, one pr*ck all gone.
13. He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
14. Elevator smell different to midget.
15. A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
16. War does not determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.
17. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
18. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
19. He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.
20. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Confucious must be turning in his grave at the way his name has been used for these one-liners.

One thing is for sure; the jokes could not be described as subtle, But, did they make you laugh – or screw up your face in disgust?

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